I tire of the monotony of life my house. I desire some juice.
But, ho! I am not doing my homework. I cannot make myself be interested in World War I, and I haven't the foggiest idea how to even begin talking about affirmative action in Spanish. I would rather talk about How many years have you been a man?
On the bright side, my iTunes is working again.
On the other bright side, I'm going to quit school and become a hobo or any other delightful profession that does not require physics skillz.
I'll practise. Let's see. I think I shall be a movie critic tonight, in honour of the injustice that is the Academy Awards.
Movies That Have Won Best Picture That I Have Seen
1. 1943-Casablanca
I wouldn't trust anyone who does not at least enjoy this movie greatly. It is just so good. It begins during WWII in the city of Casablanca, where people wait to make the passage to safety. Generally, though, they end up getting stuck. Fortunately, AHA! There is a bar. The locals call it Rick's. That's because it is named Rick's, after Humphrey Bogart's character Rick Blaine. He is a rather mopey fellow, but he says lots of famous lines. We see people doing immoral things in order to gain a trip to...the happy place. I can't remember exactly where they're headed. Probably America. Anyway, surprise! Bogey's old flame pops in with her husband. "Of all the gin joints," he says. "We'll always have Paris," she says. Sam plays it again. It turns out her husband is not dead, but a Jew on the run! SPOILER ALERT: So then they leave! It's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
2. 1950-All About Eve
This is about some actress chick. Shere Khan and Marilyn Monroe are in it. That's about all I can remember about this film.
3. 1951-An American in Paris
So Gene Kelly is an artist in Paris. He has a buddy who loves some chick. One day, Gene sees a lady with a huge mouth (Literally, her mouth is quite large. I don't mean she speaks a lot.) that is so attractive that he cannot even pay attention to the manly woman who is trying to snare his affection. So then he sexually harasses the French girl, and they dance by the river. Only OH MY GOSH it turns out she is his buddy's girl! And Gene is so sad that he wears a black and white joker's outfit to this party, and it is there that Big Gob and he hook up and have some CRAZY dance number that I will never be able to interpret and they live happily ever after. Oh, and he sings to some little kids. They love him! But that is earlier in the movie.
I'm skipping some, because it turns out I have seen more than I bargained for.
4. 1965-The Sound of Music
Julie Andrews is a nun, but she is so fail because she loves to sing about hills being alive. She is such a rapscallion that the other nuns cannot even solve the problem of Maria. So they do what everyone does with failures--they put her in charge of seven children with a crazy father who whistles at them. And at first they pull some silly prank on her, but then she teaches them about Do-Re-Mi and makes them clothes out of curtains and keeps them from being afraid during a thunderstorm, and they grow to love each other. But then that ho Liesl's boyfriend (who, by the way, is seventeen going on eighteen) does something scandalous which has slipped my mind as it was clearly way over my head the last time I saw this movie. SPOILER ALERT: Anyway, they have to climb over the aforementioned living hills to Austria or Switzerland or some neutral country that lies behind some mountains. IT IS SO GOOD.
5. 1994-The Lion King
Let's pretend this movie won Best Picture, shall we? Seeing as how it is The Best Picture of All Time, I think we can at least say it was the Best of 1994. When I think of 1994, I think of The Lion King. I'm sure the rest of the world says the same. Anyway, it starts of with this great song about the Circle of Life ruling us all through despair and hope through faith and love 'till we find our place on the path unwinding in the Circle, the Circle of Life. And all these animals are flocking to a pointy rock to see the presentation of the king's newborn son. So they sprinkle him with some fruit juice and then hold him up high to the sky and everyone bows. But guess who isn't there. MUFASA'S EVIL BROTHER, SCAR. He is playing with a mouse, the jerk. It turns out he wants to be king when Mufasa is dead, so he goes all Hamlet and arranges the death of Mufasa and his son, hereafter known as "Simba." Only Mufasa saves Simba so he ends up living, but the hyenas chase him off into the sunset where he lives off of bugs and the motto of "Hakuna Matata." Then he gets all grown, and his childhood love, Nala, leaves Pride Rock in search of help because Uncle Scar has totally screwed up everything with his meticulous planning, tenacity spanning, decades of denial, what have you. Anyway, she finds Simba and they Feel the Love Tonight and she looks at him REALLY SEDUCTIVELY. But her prostitution doesn't pay off because she is way too nosy. It is not until Rafiki the baboon-type monkey comes and Mufasa appears in the stars that Simba is convinced to return and have an epic battle with Scar. And, wouldn't you believe it, Scar stupidly admits that he killed Mufasa and all hell breaks loose, ending with the hyenas attacking Scar and Simba retaking Pride Rock. Then, the rain clears and everything is good again. POW! THE LION KING.
I think it is safe to say I have found my calling.
43 Hakuna.